The Other Woman

Long time no blog (not here at least) just a little ashamed (appropriate sentiment for this post)!

To redeem myself I came up with a really short ballad today in the car and as I was watching Scrubs... I was just thinking about how it would feel to be the other woman.  On some level the other woman knows what she's doing is wrong, doesn't she?  I've never been her, but I put myself in her shoes for a few minutes, and got Roxanne out and this is what I came up with.

I think it's accurate.  Might build up on it one day, but for now, my short ballad through the eyes of The Other Woman (enjoy):

Sometimes I feel like crying
And I cannot hold it in
Feels like needles prying
Just beneath my skin
I know my momma raised me proper
That’s not what I’m living up to
This woman I’ve become, I can’t stop her
I can’t pry myself from you

I try to imagine how much your wife would cry
To conjure some self worth
You go through so much trouble
To save her half that hurt

All I ever wanted was someone to love
Me, me, that much
Instead all I get is some stolen kisses and lust
Instead I have to settle
Because I don’t deserve better

About The Novel I'm Going to Write and Publish

While I try to be open minded about the experience and identities of others, I can't help but be drawn to strong, black women.  I know its because I see something of myself in them that I can identify with: a shared culture and world view that you can only understand if you've not only walked in the shoes of the black woman, but worn the bra of and shaken your hips as only a black woman can.  So recently, I've been compelled to write a fictional story inspired by a group of incredibly strong black women that I've met in London.

The story is loosely based on their past and present lives.  What is remarkable about their story is that their mother gave birth to seven girls and raised them largely without the involvement of their father.  They came from prominence and aristocracy, but, following the abandonment of their father, faced much poverty and hardship.  Yet through it all, the eight of them maintained their sense of family and steeled their faith against breaking.  Their strong wills helped them to come out of terrible experiences whole and together.

Also, parts of the story are juxtaposed onto that of a Nhara or senora or signare, who is an ancestress of the main characters.  These Nharas were strong entrepreneurial African women who secured wealth and status for themselves often by marrying or forming business arrangements with European men who wished to export slaves out of West Africa.  By many accounts, these women were forces to be reckoned with.  I'm still doing research about these fascinating figures, particularly in the regions of West Africa formerly controlled by the Portuguese, so that my Nhara character can be at least plausible if not historically accurate.

I want to complete this novel, publish and dedicate it to strong black women.  From the Nharas to the fictional Santiago sisters (and the non-fictional sisters on which they are based), this is for you: the strong black women who continue to inspire me.  Perhaps one day, thanks to you all, I may just yet mature into an equally inspirational strong black woman.


~ LondonAstoundedGirl

Preview of the Seven Sisters:

I am the very youngest of seven.  Yes, seven.  All girls.
 
I’m obviously quite happy with the number.  Any less and I wouldn’t exist.  ‘But why so many as seven?’ one might ask.  The answer to the question is a simple one:  I have African parents.
 
They weren’t just any run of the mill African parents.  My parents were aristocracy.  My father did not simply claim that he was descended of kings, as is en vogue to say with certain members of the African Diaspora.  My father had the wealth, influence and history to prove it.
 
He was a politician of some sort.  I’m not sure what exactly it was that he did.  I never bothered to ask or cared to know much about him.  However, I knew that his job took him to different parts of the world, which is why some of my sisters have really exotic birthplaces: Madagascar, the Netherlands, Malaysia, and Greece.  I was born in London, my two oldest sisters (for those keeping track) were born in my father's native country of Cape Verde.
 
As with any typical man from a largely patriarchal society with traditional values, my father wanted a legacy, someone that could carry on the family name when he passed: in short, a son.   Shortly after my birth, his seventh ‘failure’ as he so affectionately put it, he came to the strongly coerced conclusion that my mother couldn’t give him that which he desired most.  The sum of a loving wife and seven daughters was not worth as much to him as that elusive son.  So, he abandoned my mother in Europe to conquer a younger, fresher, dumber womb.
 
He didn’t just leave my mother, my sisters and I.  He took our passports, all of our legal documents and blocked any funds that my mother had access to.  He subsequently had their marriage annulled without her consent, absolving him of any financial responsibility to my mother or us.  Remember, he was a man of politics; he knew what channels he had to visit to make things like that happen.  What was more, she was stranded in a country (Belgium) where she did not speak the language well, with seven children ranging from several weeks to eleven years of age.
 
That coercion that I mentioned earlier wasn’t just against her supposedly sex-specific infertility.  It was also laced with years of accusing my mother of infidelity and placing doubt on my father’s paternity to more than one of her children, me in particular.  If my father had been a man of logic, he would have realized that his inability to have a son had nothing with my mother.  He would have perhaps relied on modern medicine to address this situation.  If he were a man of reason, he would have had the paternity of his children tested, as is reasonable when in doubt.  It was the early nineties; the technology was available and he was a rich man.  My father was, if nothing else, proud and passionate.   As a man of passion, he acted according to his slighted pride at his wife’s supposed infidelity and at her inability to give him sons.  Well the joke’s on him.  From what we here about him, twenty-three years, two more wives, and a dozen more daughters later, he still can’t have sons.
 
So, at the debut of the nineties a penniless, single mother of seven young children from a previous opulent, spoiled, pampered life had to learn to be independent.  It’s not where most people would have wanted to start, but it’s where this story, my life, started.
 
That’s all I care to mention about the man that fathered me.   This is not about him.  It’s about the six best friends and worst enemies that anyone could have been given.   And me.  I’ll try to share this story without getting those who follow lost in the potential chaos that so many breasts and egos inevitably bring.
 

-Angela Santiago

What's Love (got to do with it, got to do with it)?

I've gotten into pretty heated arguments about what exactly love is. One of my friends, who insists he has loved, seems to only recount me stories of the unrequieted kind: the enthusiasm and affection that he has for the women he pursues are rarely returned with the same intensity. So, for the most part, his relationships and romantic experiences have been largely one-sided.

Most dictionary definitions of love don't seem to require the participation of another person, except for the ones about or involving sex.  But when I really think about it, in my opinion, love is far more than what one person feels for another. It requires some sort of reciprocity.  How can you have an intense feeling for someone if the other person's affection doesn't continue to fuel it?  The caress or affection of one you care for serves to deepen what you feel for them... this is why you love your friends, because their is a mutual exchange of affection.  It doesn't always have to be physical.  In fact, often, it's not.  Hanging out with that person or just appreciating having them in your life is enough for the friendship to mature and deepen.  But I think relationships are just more intimate, passionate, and unfortunately more complicated versions of friendship.

So, along the assumption that romantic love is a mutual feeling, I don't think he's ever loved before.  I think the word love, in cases such as my friend, should be downgraded to obsession, infatuation or idealization.  I don't think he's felt any less intensely than someone who has been in love, but at the end of the day, you can't build a house with one wall.  You can't have a real relationship when the other person doesn't feel the same as you.  So how can you be in love if you're the only one who feels it?

But what do I know?



~ LondonFoundGirl

Another FACT.

The ability to forgive others who have wronged you or to admit that you yourself are wrong is one of the hardest things to do. I know very few people who are capable of it.

Why? Because it's one of the greatest marks of humility. Pride is always en vogue, humility...? Not so much...

New Song... Entitled: "Forever"

This is the latest song that I've written on my guitar...

It's about a mentally ill patient who falls in love with her dedicated psychologist and friend. When she's released from the psych ward, she attempts to take their friendship and love further, but is rejected, sending her spinning into another mental episode where she confuses the affection and warmth that he showed her in her more fragile state in the past for a romantic relationship... 'You said 'forever'.' she claims...

Another tragedy of unrequited love *le sigh*.

Sometimes I wish I could write a song that could make the whole world cry
Then everyone would know exactly what I feel inside without you

But I can never find the flavor bold enough to let them taste my sin
And I can never find the words deep enough to let them in...

I want to know now, what I've got to do
To get things back to the way they were before
Not smart enough to figure it out, so let me know
You said forever, you said forever more

Yet here we are... I'm on the outside
Looking in because you shut the door
Right in my face... Where did we go wrong?
You said forever, you said forever more

Was it me this time? Why did I even ask, it's always me
I can never seem to get things right...
I'm just too much, I love, I feel and need too much
Way too much from you
Too much to take in one swallow
So you spat me out for something you could chew

I want to know now, what I've got to do
To get things back to the way they were before
This is the last time, I promise, baby
You said forever, you said forever more

Won't misbehave, I'll only love you
Like I'm meant to, so please open the door
I'm well again, I'm wiser, I'm better
You said forever, you said forever more

What happened to forever, loving me forever more?
What happened to forever, loving me forever?

I'll take my medicine, like the doctor said
I won't cheat no more
I'll listen to you, when we argue
I'll remember what we're fighting for
I'm so ashamed, so, so ashamed
So I'll wear these scars to remind me
That I'm always to blame
I'm always to blame

I know it's my fault, I'll fix it baby
Not strong enough to live without you
I'll fix it baby, just open up the door
Won't misbehave, I'll only love you

I thought you said I couldn't
Get rid of you quite that easily
I know it's my fault, but tell me baby
You said forever, whenever did forever end?

What happened to forever, loving me forever more?
What happened to forever, loving me forever...

I guess no one can love me like this...



~ LondonFoundGirl

...Appropriate...

...Rejection...

I wake up in a panic every morning, like the world is crashing around me
A prayer comes hesitantly to my lips and I beg God for the means to survive
I desperately grasp at the shreds of my sanity for security, but it doesn't help
Because there's none there

How is it my fault when I never claimed perfection, or anything at all
I let you inside of all that I was, all that I longed to be
Let you know my shame
Only to be dropped as soon as the going got tough
And just as if I never existed, written out of your life
You seem all the better for it, so I guess I should be happy

And I wonder, will I ever be enough
Or is it that I'm too much?
That I need, want, feel and love too much
I'm too much to take in one swallow,
So you spat me out in favor of something easier to chew
I hope that my aftertaste is strong enough
To haunt your memories
Because my pride won't let me chase when I've been throw away

But my heart won't let me heal and I'm glutton for the pain
So I pick away at the scabs and bleed some more
To try to teach myself a lesson I never learn....

Nobody can fix you



~ LondonFoundGirl

Revelation

So this year of willful isolation in East London is coming to an end, and to be honest, I have no idea what I've learned...

In a few moments of brief (ever so brief) euphoria, I thought that I had somehow found that something, that elusive SOMETHING that I've been searching for.  I've tried to give whatever it is I am lacking a name on many an occasion:  purpose?  focus?  ambition?   It has been none of that...  I think the closest I ever got to describing it was 'passion', but if you know me well, you would know that is something I possess in abundance... Maybe I need a little ambition to focus my passion on a purpose... Who the f**k knows?... For the moment, I'm holding onto 'adventure', but it won't stick.  It never does.

Long story short, I'm just about as lost as I was when I came here...  But I lied to you (so what?  if you read this far, it got your attention).... I think I have learned a few short lessons worth remembering:

• Instead of trying to find what I seek in other people, as I often have the tendency to do, I need to instead rely fully on myself.  Others can't fix me... only I can fix me.
  
  
• Don't try and force myself where I don't belong.  It doesn't work.  I need to make my own place in life, and have something to call my own...
  
  
• I lack most forms of self-discipline... as this is a lifelong, pre-existing conditions, I'm not sure that will ever change...  but I need to at least try a little harder.  It might help to with my issue of lack of focus.
  
  
• I've learned to accept that fact that it might be time to find a new place to call home and close this chapter in my life called 'London'...

It's been epic, but the honeymoon is over the reality of my inability to stay here without proper employment is looming in front of my face... and I have no experience, no particularly outstanding skills, and no citizenship.  Had all three been in my favor, my odds at finding a decent paying job might be a little higher.  Despite that, I'm still taking the gamble and looking for one....

All in all, I have a few weeks to sort myself out.  I would really like to stay, just for 2-3 more years and see where this takes me, but I get this unshakable feeling that is coming to a close.  So no matter how it ends, I need to figure out where I'm going to end up next...

I hate this feeling of floating at 20-something... because it sucks....  I long to feel grounded, settled, and together.  and I'm so over the movies, sitcoms and books that romanticize it to be the best times of your life... It's definitely something, but the best is yet to come (I hope)...

Alright, I'm done bitching for the moment...


Yours Truly
LondonFoundGirl

FACT.

If you're the judge of your own objectivity, then bias is inherent and humility is lacking.

...Interesting Observation...

I always have writer's block when life is good... It's been nearly two weeks since my last creative burst

Why does melancholy have to fuel my creativity?  Seems unfair... either I'm a good writer or a content person?

Le monde est mal fait... Comme d'habitude, ce n'est pas just...


~ LondonFoundGirl

The headache is almost over...

Today, I take my last exam...

I have never been this stressed over exams in my life... EVER...
So far, I don't think I've failed anything (that badly to be worried about it, at least)... and I have good instincts about such things... But my body has been literally physically reacting to the stress... headaches, stomach aches, lack of appetite, extreme fatigue, elevated heart rate, heart palpitations... last week I literally thought I was sick, thought I had food poisoning or some kind of acute reaction to something. I even considered going to the hospital shortly before one of my exams until someone told me the same thing was happening to them and it was probably just nerves...

Like, WTF man!!! I can't handle this for much longer and I'm glad my education in America was NOTHING LIKE THIS.  I wouldn't have survived it, I have a weak heart when it comes to such things...

This whole month, this whole process has been nothing short of annoying... I have a massive headache just writing this...  This headache has lasted two and a half days so far... 

I try to give myself less of a headache by prioritizing and trying to give my life some semblance of order.  My first priority is to keep my sanity... My second is to pass these exams... and shower and eat somewhere in there if time permits...

I can't go on like this much longer... and just in time, it's finally over.

My creative bursts --> sign of Distress

I wrote a new song on Icaraus... This is a bad thing... It means I'm depressed...  I've been writing songs, prose, and poetry a lot... and blogging regularly as well... I must be really down, *le sigh*...

Anyway, I really like this song that I just wrote this past week...  My songs tend to be about failing or failed relationships because I like to them as allegories for things going wrong in life in general.  Ask me to play it for you one day.  As of right now, it's untitled... I'd like to name it something that plays on the words of 'letting go' and 'falling out of love'... when my brain is less tense, the name will come.

But for now, enjoy:


Can you spare me a moment...
Can you spare me an evening...
Can you spare me a lifetime of pain?

But you won't spare me the heartbreak
No, you won't spare me that heartache
Because you're a coward and you'll never say
What need to be said

I cannot hold on for a moment longer
Sometimes I wish I was a little bit stronger
For both of our sakes
For both of our sakes

No point in fighting, when I'm always losing
I made my choice in you, but you're still choosing
I don't like this place
Hold my breath 'til I wake

My heart it needs a break
I don't want to hate you today
Every day it starts the same
Will it ever change?

Because we make up, then we wake up
And we break up again
We will never grow
Because we can never let go

But I know

I cannot hold on for a moment longer
Sometimes I wish I was a little bit stronger
For both of our sakes
For both of our sakes

No point in fighting if I'm always losing
I made my choice in you, but you're still choosing
I don't like this place
Hold my breath 'til I wake

'Please don't go', you'll probably beg me
But I can't do this anymore
Please don't think that I'll regret this
Feels so good to finally let go

'Cause I know

I cannot hold on for a moment longer
Sometimes I wish I was a little bit stronger
For both of our sakes
For both of our sakes

No point in fighting if I'm always losing
I made my choice in you, but you're still choosing
I don't like this place
Hold my breath 'til I wake

I cannot hold on for a moment longer
Sometimes I wish I was a little bit stronger
For both of our sakes
For both of our sakes

No point in fighting, if I'm always losing
I made my choice in your, but you're still choosing
I can't fight this place
Hold my breath 'til I wake


~ LondonFoundGirl

On Human Nature

People always have a way of surprising you.  Whether its a stranger coming to your defense when you least expect it...

Whether it's that friend that you thought knew you coming to all the wrong conclusuions about you... and you end up wondering what they must really think about you and the nature of your friendship...

Whether its an act of untold kindness that brightens up your day or an act of untold depravity that shatters your faith...

Or something as simple as someone you like remembering something vague and obscure about you, making you smile all day...

The human spirit and existence is so interesting, dynamic, always changing and ever confusing... Evil yet good, pure but tainted, hopeful and faithful but still selfish, destructive and selfless... Cruelly kind and kindly cruel can happily coexist in the same being.... We're all fleshly manifestations of a number of paradoxes, essentially walking, breathing, and living contradictions...

Every day I'm tempted to give up on humanity... but every day, sometimes in the same breath, I keep finding reasons not to...

~ LondonFoundGirl

Let There Be

 Light is supposed to be a good thing, but
it illuminates my flaws and makes me all
 too aware of my mortality as I hold my
hand before my face and it glows, blood
 red, veinous, pulsating with each rapid surge of my beating heart
Behind the light I hear voices, just
 beyond, whispering a tune that just escapes
my hearing, jeering me with almost remembered
 lost memories hanging on the edges of my
consciousness

If I reach far enough, I might just catch them,

 but I'm haunted by an unsaid certainty that reminds
me certainly they were forgotten for a reason
 But there is no rhyme or reason, up or down
My thoughts are solid and my body a
 little less so, flowing like a finely
aged Brandy poured into an old bachelor's tumbler

 And I wonder
And I realized it's all in my head
 Another dream

And as I awake to another light peaking from the east,
 I still wonder, throwing back my curtains to bathe
myself in the warmth and purity of light



~ LondonFoundGirl

Turn On Some Music... Just like Music...

My first guitar wasn't hard to name

She's a Squire by Fender

I held her in my hand and felt she was meant to play the blues

Shiny, dark brown mahogany, pretty steel strings

She was a heartbreaker

And all I heard was

"Roxanne, Roxanne, I wanna be your man!"

Like she had already broken some poor man's

       heart before she had ever started playing her first note
She was Roxanne


But this one
       I didn't want to like him
He was a runt, small and insignificant, bought on a whim
       of missing Roxanne,
And disappointment folllowed when he didn't sound like her

An Encore, yellow faced, rich cherry wood body
       vinyl strings that didn't have that Roxanne twang
       and so easily lost their tune

But I picked him up yesterday, when there was no music in my life
Struck him hard and sure
       And without ever tuning him
He sounded perfect, the notes whole and pure

And I wrote my first real song without Roxanne
       and I loved him at last
Seven months past due, Icarus was born


I wrote this about my guitars... One's in America (Roxanne) and one just helped to keep me sane across the Pond here in London (Icarus).  I know they're not really people, but there's just something about an instrument... when you run your hands along it, you can almost feel the care that was taken to make it and hear the music it was meant to bring...   I get used to things and people I love, and when I'm not in the mood to, I don't want to embrace change... as was the case of my second guitar when I realized shortly after I bought it, that it was nothing like my first.  But as always, I learn and relearn this lesson, you can never judge a book by its cover... and I love him now... Icarus... like that silly boy who fell out of the sky... maybe he wasn't so silly.  Maybe he was just misunderstood, maybe he was too caught up in the beauty, intensity, and warmth of the Sun to even feel his wings melting...  Like I misunderstood the beauty of the Music that my second guitar could make, just because it didn't sound like my first...  I finally named him today... Icarus seemed fitting

It may sound a bit insane, talking about my guitars like they're people...  But sometimes, they can keep you company and cheer you up as sure as any person can, if not better... So I guess it's not so crazy when you think about it...  So, thank you for bringing Music to my Life, Icarus...  I'm sorry I judged you too hastily.

In closing, I'd like to share with you some words from the immortal Marvin Gaye, from his song "Turn On Some Music" from his Midnight Love and the Sexual Healing Sessions.  These words actually come from Erik Sermon's 2001 hit "Music" which sampled an outtake of Gaye's track.... These might be the words from an earlier verison of the song as I've found if you google "Turn on Some Music" lyrics, you don't get the same words...  In any case, this verse pretty much sums up how I felt today:


Music is the soul of the man
Music makes a happy day
And music makes the clouds go by baby
Your music keeps my tears inside my eyes
Your music makes me want to sing
Girl, music is a joy to bring
Music is my heart and soul
More precious than gold
Happiness today is just a song away
I love your music baby

-Turn on Some Music



~ LondonFoundGirl

. . . L'infamie

La femme est maudit a aimer trop

Trop fort, trop longtemps
Toujours trop
Et comme un desastre natural
On est toujours coupable de la destruction
Femme fatale par nature

Et maintenant, j’ai t’envie a mon detriment
On ne veux jamais ce qui est mieux pour la santé
Ce n’est pas au hasard qu’on dit l’amour blesse
Et le coeur est traitre…
Mais je m’en fous

Je veux raconter une histoire d’amour de legende
Celebre et infâme
Comme celle d’Adam et Eve
Cleopatre et Cesar
Samson et Delila
Composons-nous la notre
Une romance en peril
Voué a echouer
Un amour dangereux

Je t’attends...

~  LondonFoundGirl

(Sorry if you don't speak French... Just translate online, you'll get the idea, lol...)

First Anniversary - Something Worth Celebrating

It's been exactly one year since I graduated from Douglass College of Rutgers University.

Surprisingly, I’m not too sad, although I do miss the happier times...

While studying in the park near Regent’s Canal, soaking up the sunlight of the gorgeous spring day, I had a single drink in celebration of my First Alumni-versary....

That’s celebration enough for now...  I’ll save the grand celebrations for when in the company of my favorite Rutgers Alums, whenever that may be...



~ LondonFoundGirl

People

I really don't get what makes them tick...
22 years of trying to figure them and I'm still getting it wrong...


~LondonFoundGirl

What More Can Be Said

Forgive wholly
Do not claim such an act
And continue to hold it overheard
Alleging it to be in 'our' best interests to never forget


~  LondonFoundGirl

Growing Up is Hard to Do

So... my first post for 2010 is in April. I didn't even come close to maintaining my blog... so sue me, I'm only human.

But I've had a recent epiphany, hence the need for a new post...  Besides lacking focus and self-motivation, I've figured out what the biggest road block to taking the next big steps and actually becoming the woman that I want to be in the future (which includes being financially and completely independent from my parents): I don't have a game plan.

I got lucky these past five years... I've just been swinging blindly mostly, but somehow, I've been hitting it out of the park every time... starting with the full scholarship to Rutgers, the good grades, the involvement: I just kinda shrugged my shoulders and figured that I'd do, just to do it, without thinking about it.  I was never forced to, I either acted on a whim or a confidant's suggestion: I just did what I did just to do it...  For the life of me I couldn't give you any other reason than that:

My guidance counselor told me to apply to Rutgers, I went to Douglass College because they gave me a fat(ter) scholarship, my major was the same as that of an older family friend because my Mom had heard that I could get a good job with the major.... Involvement came from my good friend Katrina who encouraged me to build my resume because grades weren't enough... so I did.

Any ambition I had that was remotely unique (meaning so me) was shot down or so riddled with self-doubt that I let my dreams be deferred before they were even truly born.  Linguistics.... French... Medical Technology...  Medical school... Even declaring my Women and Gender Studies minor: I let them all die.  Shame on me...

It doesn't feel like anything for my part was internal until fairly recently...  I regurgitated information necessary to get good grades (really, it ain't that hard).  I never had to think twice or guess because my high school and college were great: they pretty much knew where I was (or should have been) headed and how to get me there...  There's lots of support and guidance when you're younger... I miss that now...  But the potential pitfall is that if you don't want to, you never really have to think for yourself... And I guess I never felt the need to.

Now, in grad school, I'm pretty much out on a limb here, and separated from the people who influenced me et qui m'ont entouré du soin for all these years... So at 22, I'm where I should have been when I was 17: coming into my own with my convictions, beliefs and and goals and deciding for myself the path necessary to ultimately reach said goals...

So my epiphany:

1. I hate food science....  I enjoyed my first three academic years at Rutgers because of Chemistry, sweet, sweet Chemistry, my first and currently only love....  My senior year was purely me half-assing and sponging off of hard workers like Reuben because I did not enjoy the sole focus of the Rutgers Food Science department on Food Product Development, hence the B+'s and lack of A's. ... 
   
   Somehow, a novel, convenient food product with a longer shelf life doesn't seem to put much good into this world and I want to not only enjoy what I'm doing, but actually make a difference while I'm doing it... and while Food Science got me that coveted Bachelors degree, I'll be damned if I EVER work in anything food science related, especially if it has to do with product development, unless it's addressing world hunger and minimizing global food waste. (Kinda already knew this, but hey, I had to let ya'll know as well)
   
2. Biomedical engineering is pretty inconsequential to my existence and where I wanna go...  It was a good run, but I'm not an engineer at heart.
   
3. I love interacting with people
   
4. I love writing
   
5. I love critical thought and coming to my own conclusion and not just factual information
   
6. And I still love most other sciences.... so I think I'm ultimately headed for something new, hybrid and totally interdisciplinary...  I don't mind being a trailblazer... if you don't fit into the molds provided, who says you can't cast your own?
   
7. And I finally have the making of a SOLID plan that will get me back to my first love, Chemistry, mixed with other loves of mine: Medicine and Education...

I'm happy because I have a game plan and the only road block to my success now is motivating myself to follow through...   I'm upset that it took me two and half years that I could have been spending working towards that plan: I could've declared a major that I loved and pursued a relevant Masters or Interim Job....   That's 10% of my life wasted!  But there's no need for me to dwell in the past, I can only go forward from here...

Now, I can stop being jealous of all my friends who seem to have their lives together and are well on their way to becoming the people they want to be... because in about six months, I'll be one of them.  Failure is not an option.... It was never was and now I will ensure that it never will be.

Growing up is hard to do, but when you've figure it out, even if just a little bit, it feels good...



Yours Truly
London Found Girl

2009, what a year... 2010, bring it, b*@&!

This year, we saw some of the most historic events of our time...  A black/bi-racial President was inaugurated into the White House, whose parents' marriage was illegal in parts of the United States at the time of his birth.  The music industry and the world wept as we lost one of the century's greatest Pop icons, gone before his time at a scant 50 years of age.  I graduated Cum Laude, Phi Beta Kappa from Douglass College, Rutgers University on May 21st 2009, with hopes and dreams in my pocket and eyes set for London... Okay, so maybe that was not a ground breaking event for the rest of the world, but still, historic for me all the same!

As the year winds down to a close, I find myself looking back and contemplating my triumphs, my losses, and lessons learned.  Within a few weeks of each other, I was at my best and worst.  I discovered great new things about myself, including my capacity to be empathetic and to put myself aside to console others, my resilience in the face of new challenges, and my determination to achieve a goal I set out for myself, despite lacking support.

Those who were not so lucky saw me at my worst: inconsiderate, belligerent, depressed, reckless, pig headed, insufferable... it was terrible.  I lost a good friend because of it, though in truth, she doled out a fair share of insufferability in turn...   I realize now, I shouldn't have returned it.  The lesson is learned: I have to be the bigger person, especially when I don't want to be.

More not-so-greats: Something that I thought was immeasurably solid deteriorated before my eyes, destroyed by nothing more than whispers and lies...  But it only invigorates me and motivates me to find something better for myself.

I left all that I knew in America for a country where I had no family or friends...  Willfully isolated myself from everyone (it was a necessary step; I was a terrible person when I left, and I needed time and distance to work on me).  I came to London to pursue a degree that doesn't resemble what I studied at Rutgers at all... from Food Chemistry to Biomedical Engineering.  I knew it would be different, but it's a bit of a curve even for me...  Three months into everything, I love my Masters program, my coursemates have been great and so helpful in getting me through that first dreadful semester, and I've found such wonderful people everywhere I go.  They've helped to see me through this rocky transition period, especially my adoptive parents, Jennifer and Emmanuel.

It's been three months and *sigh* I don't want to leave...

As the New Year peaks it's head around the corner, I can't help but wonder what it has to offer: a new found spirituality, a second degree with a promise of a budding career, excitement, adventure, love (nervous laugh)?  The possibilities are endless... And there's no where in the world I would rather be to capture the nuances of life.

Is it silly to believe that God might have directed me here?  If you know anything about me, while a believer in God, I'm ridiculously pragmatic about most things.  I don't like to say that God is responsible for doing a lot of things for us.  Truth is, God sometimes has nothing to do with it, and people are just selling themselves short.  If you work hard for something and the opportunities are there, that's why it happened, not because God chose you, not because God blessed you.  There's usually a chain of traceable events that precede an accomplishment and though it's nice to give God glory, I don't think it was Him that got you there.  I'll stick behind that statement 99.999% of the time...

But there always that 0.001 % of the time that I'm not quite sure about that reasoning...  There's something a bit divine about the past few months.  It was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time, though the events guiding me here seemed haphazard and erratic at best.

So hmmm... A new decade, a new year, a new lease on life.  So much growing to do, so much fun to be had, so much to look forward to, so much to plan for...

I can't wait to savor every moment... no matter what life brings!  As the old song goes: Que sera, sera...  I've internalized it and made it my own.  I've found myself repeating a new phrase... it's become my dictum of sorts when I'm afraid of taking that next step forward, a bit of a spin on the Doris Day classic: Quoi qu'il en soit, je n'ai rien a perdre.  Whatever may be, I have nothing to lose.  I'm young, beautiful, smart, unattached with a thirst for danger and adventure... why the hell am I even here if I plan on playing it safe?  I'm going to take the next risk that presents itself (you know the good kind of risks, not the one where death or harm is a possibility; I'm adventurous, not crazy!)...

I have no idea what will happen.  The part I hate about having faith is not knowing what the future will bring, but that's half the fun, init?  So I've closed my eyes now... time to take that leap of faith...

Yours Truly
LondonFoundGirl

Vanity, haha

I just felt pretty today... so I felt like sharing, lol...  Usually I'm humble, lol...

 Dark and Lovely :-)

Love thyself all you want... because no body else has too...

My Equally Sexy Friends (didn't have enough pictures to make a facebook album, haha) they make me smile :-) :

The next issue of Oxford GQ: the Corbster, lol (pic gets cut off in the blog, so click on it!)

The FaBuLoUs  Mrs. Pam ela ela P3Z, And her equally FaBuLoUs sister, Sarah <3

Lorsqu'on Vient de Loin

With her broken French and an open heart
And her hesitant voice
The words that escaped in a past life, an ocean away
Fall, so elegantly
Welling, swelling from a hidden place
Too covered in flaws for most to see

And she stands still
Poised on the edge of raw hope
Expectations high, knees weak
And waits with bated breath
Almost forgetting to breathe

Taking a moment, she gets stubborn
Forgets the fear long enough to just...
Jump...
Eyes closed to take that leap of faith

~ LondonFoundGirl

Crazy People need Love, Too...

Never been in love before... 
but if I was, I think it would go a little something like this...
which is why I'm afraid to fall...

- LondonFoundGirl

Crazy Love

My lyrics were
Cryptic melodies that let you know of my dedication, I was committed
So committed that they said I should have been committed
Strapped my arms in a straight jacket and be admitted to the nearest mental hospital
But what you label insanity I call loving hard, fast and deep
   
My love is so deep that you cannot fathom its end 
Eternity multiplied by infinity, wrapped up in a sweet trinity Of mind, body, and soul
I’ll love you with my whole being

Every word, song, breath, blink, stretch, thought, shit and piss, yes
Even when my bowels moved, it’s for you
To make room for you

If you had my love, you’d have no need for immortality
Because there is no end to my affection
And just my kiss would lead to your resurrection
You would be granted life in longing for my love… it’s that good

I want every hollow of my body to be filled with you
Fit your elbows into my curves, your lips into the dip below my throat
Wrap your arms around me and keep me afloat
Your breath across the small of my back, I want you everywhere

Until my…
Our love is like heaven, wrapped in sex, dipped in chocolate, yes, that good

They call it crazy ‘cause baby, they don’t know about my love...
Your touch sends shivers down my spine and ignites all the right flames
Igniting my shame, and I ain’t shamed to admit
All of my dreams of you are wet

Baby, they call it crazy ‘cause they don’t know about my love
Not crazy, more like the new school Romeo and Juliet
When you press your lips upon my own, I’ll cut off your oxygen,
Sweet suffocation
You are the only poison that can make my heart stop

I’ll plunge the knife into my bosom
Baby, it don’t hurt
‘Cause you’re my anesthesia, I need no other sedation

Sorry Guys, Got Some Catching Up To Do!

It's been a bit over two months since I arrived in London... No longer, London Bound, but London Found, lol... Unfortunately, full time summer research and the fact that I arrived in London on the first day of classes means that my blog has gone incredibly neglected... hopefully, this won't continue much longer....

So far, I'm enjoying the majority of my classes (except for the math one that is sooooooo kicking my ass)... As I suspected when I chose it, Biomedical Engineering is a very interesting course and contrasts so starkly with the Food Chemistry that I've always known... However, I do realize that chemistry is truly my first love and though I fully intend on completing this masters, the next degree or job is going to be chemically centered...

Now London is everything I thought it would be and more. I'm in the E1 district, not far from Central London... but I've never been sight seeing. Mostly I keep to East London. My course is A LOT smaller than I orignally thought it would be... there's only seven of us in the course, every single one of us comes from a different country and academic background and only two of us speak English as our first language (me and a mixed Irish boy, although technically, we both grew up with two simultaneous first languages).

The diversity of my coursemates is just a microcosm of the metropolis that London is. In truth, I only know a handful of British people. It seems that everyone is from a different country. And surprisingly, there are fewer people that I would have expected who know:

1) Where New Jersey is (next to New York is my usual response, and I always get a lot of 'ooooooohs' and 'aaaaaaaahs' for it)

2) Where Haiti is (only French people seem to know so 'next to Jamaica' is my other common response).

So strange... I didn't realize how homogeneous my background was... yeah, I went to Rutgers and I come from New Jersey, both of which are incredibly diverse, but at home, everyone's Haitian... In Kingdom Hall, everyone's Haitian.... I have to get out of the habit of only being able to explain thingss or describe something with a Creole word because people don't get it.... and it's that... little things like that that hit me hard and make me realize how far away from home I am. And while great to be here, I didn't expect to miss home nearly as much as I do some nights...

The neighborhood where Queen Mary is located is known as Stepney Green. I think it's known as little Bagladesh... there are sooo many Bengali people here, it's not even funny. Which makes me think of another interesting point... London in general has more hijab wearing Muslims than I have EVER seen in one geographical region. It's definately a lot different from home.

Another thing I noticed, when people here say 'Asian' they mean from any country on the continent of Asia, not as we tend to think in America, East Asians or Pacific Islander... Even I myself have a tendency to do this and refer to anyone brown as 'Maybe Indian or Middle Eastern'. Small difference, but I think it's very significant.... There are so many things that are different.

And as expected, I get a lot of flack for being American whether it's about obesity, consumerism, pollution, politics, even GEOGRAPHY, you name it, someone's taken a stab at me for it... although it has been noted that as I have a passport, I'm to be held to a higher standard as I've actually been outside of my country's borders.

I think this will be a reoccuring theme for the next couple of blogs: how DIFFERENT everything is... mostly it's a good thing because it makes me really think critically about myself and where I'm coming from (which too few Americans do)...

Sorry this post isn't as jazzy and artsy as my past posts.... the next will be though... :-)

So another year of sharing my thoughts and personal growths with you is coming up...

So Lend me your Ears (and Hearts for Another Year)
And I'll sing you a song... and I'll try not to sing out of key...

~ LondonFoundGirl ~

Helios

I think in another life, in another time, I would have been a poet/musician/artist... Even in silence, music pervades my thoughts, invades my heart, and warms my soul. I'm always singing, even if you can't hear it... and my old notebooks are full of drawings, poems, songs and stories...

I don't do it as much as I used to, but I love to write and sing. Now the words only flow when properly inspired... but the music is still there...

I wanted to share a song I wrote.... If you ever remember, ask me to sing it to you with guitar accompaniment... It's about that silly boy Icarus, but from the sun's perspective (hence the title...) Enjoy...

~ LondonBoundGirl

Helios (The Tragedy of Icarus)

It's been a while since you went away
Swept up in the haze of the summers day
You didn't even spare a good-bye
You just spread your wings and took to the sky

Your father warned you, but you couldn't resist the height
Shining so brightly, you couldn't resist my light
You came closer still with every flap of your wings
Arms outstretched to touch forbidden things

But Icarus, why must my heart be your sun?
And my intensity, your demise?
You covered your failure with self-shame
When the blame was always mine in disguise

Try as you might to reach the heavens, I got in the way
So you couldn't stay
Better to spread your wings and away you fly
Than to fall out of the sky...

You hung on only the the edge of your insanity
But you could not resist me in your vanity
You were warned, maybe you had to burn
It seems that the only way some boys learn

The truth you wanted was covered in my sunshiny lies
My gaze is thralling, you couldn't resist my eyes
When we made contact, the rush was so sweet
Even though it burned you, you loved to feel my heat

But Icarus why must my heart be your sun?
And my intensity your demise?
You covered your failure with my shame
And blamed the warmth between my thighs
My passionate cries

Try as you might to reach the heavens, I got in the way
So you couldn't stay
Better to spread your wings and away you fly
Than to fall out of the sky

Oh Icarus, Apollo's chariot was never for mere mortals to claim!
You didn't realize your prize could not be tamed...
You're to blame

Should you ever return
And your wings don't fall apart
Should you withstand my heat
I'll leave the light shining so you can find the way back
to what you seek

Oh Icarus, why must my heart be your sun
And my intensity your demise?
You covered your failure with self shame
Was the blame always mine in disguise?

Try as you might to reach the heavens, I got in the way
So you couldn't stay
Better to spead your wings and away you fly
Than to fall out of the sky

School's Out Forever

As of Thursday, May 21, 2009 approximately 11:30 AM... I am officially a college graduate....

It's hard to know what to feel now... that's four of the best years of my life that have passed by... Rutgers was more than just a degree granting institution... it was my home, one of the few places where I truly felt like I belonged... where I thrived... where I learned that I could be more than what I thought...

Yeah, I didn't win every battle... but for all it was worth, I think I came out alright...

And now this chapter of my life, whether or not I like it, is done and I don't know what to feel...  I want to feel sad, but it wasn't meant to last forever, and I came in knowing that...  and I've accomplished so much and left on such a good note, it's hard to be sad for long...

I want to feel happy, but I keep looking back and wondering at all the woulda, coulda, and shoulda's... and prematurely missing everyone who I'm leaving behind....

Don't know what to feel...  for now.  I know in time I will grow content.  I will take away everything positive from these past four years and the negative will fade away in the distance as I wish to remember only fond things of Dear old Rutgers and Miss Douglass...

I've had the best four years that anyone could have asked for, and for that, I am grateful... and I will miss them...

I shall not dwell on my loss for too long...  I plan on making the next four years of my life even more incredible.

Watch out world!!! She is unleashed....

LondonBoundGirl

Saying My Good-byes

As my undergraduate education here at good ol' RU draws to a close, I felt compelled to write a note expressing how I felt to everyone who helped make the past four years the best I ever had:

"I can't believe it's really coming to an end... but it is, and I had to say this. And I realize that some of you have graduated, but it takes nothing away from what I have to say...

I want to sincerely, thank you all for making my time here at Rutgers a beautiful one. Each one of you has given me something worth taking away. As our time here draws to a close, I wish we had just a little more time to share, just one more class to take together, just one more e-board meeting, just one more event to plan/attend, just one more dinner to sit down to... anything to see you all again before we go our separate ways.

All of you are very dear to me for many reasons... Thank you is an understatement. I cannot express in words what having you in my life has meant... and I am truly saddened that it all has to end so soon.

No matter when or how we met, or how long we have known each other just know that I will never forget you, the good and bad times that we shared here... and I hope that you all will remember me as you go on to become the great people I already know you are...

Thank you for making me laugh, thank you for being by my side when I cried, thank you for listening, thank you for suffering along with me through long trainings/boring classes/difficult situations, thank you for PARTYING with me, lol... Thank you for confiding in me... even though ya'll know I got a big mouth sometimes, lol!!!

I'll remember the conversations (and arguments!!) we had, the shenanigans, the celebrations, the catastrophes, the study sessions, the stress, and the long nights... everything... because I've already collected all the moments in my heart and I can't ever forget them...

Thank you for everything, even if it was just believing in me when I didn't believe in my self. Thanks for letting me know that I was a good person. Thank you for putting up with me when I was being stubborn, hard-headed, a bitch and lazy... And yes, thank you for telling me off when I was being stupid!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you all for being there... and should you ever need anyone for any reason, just know that I promise to be there for all of you...

I've never been very good at keeping people in my life. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring, so I really hope that we're able to keep in touch as we go our separate ways...

You will never truly know what having you all in my life has done for me... I'm a better person for having known you...

These words are hardly enough to let you know how I feel, but THANK YOU...


-LondonBoundGirl"

RU Screw... DENIED!!!

I thought I finally got bent over and given that nice, hard screw... Rutgers style... 

One hears speak of the RU screw a lot, especially when graduation season is upon the campus.  For lack of a better explanation, the RU screw is when Rutgers University f*cks you over, usually financially so you go into significant debt or academically in such a way that you can't graduate when you thought you could...  There are milder forms of the RU screw that are less damaging, but just as annoying.  However, Rutgers is really famous for those massive screws...

And I thought I had that massive screw coming last night... when my advisor emailed me and told me that I had not fulfilled a graduation requirement and that my declared date of graduation (May 2009) was incorrect.

Imagine my surprise, me, the one who literally spent hours every semester mapping out the next semester when it was time to register for classes, referencing and cross-referencing core, degree and graduation requirements... Me, who, swears by my freshman catalog like it's the bible, constantly pouring over my major requirements to make sure that I didn't miss anything because I'm paranoid that somehow I DID miss something... Me, who has already been accepted into grad school in London on the condition that I have a bachelor's degree no later than August... ME?!?!?!?!? Are you sure, how could that happen to me?

If you miss a requirement for MY major, then you pretty much are screwed.  There are no food science classes offered over the summer and they are only offered one semester per academic year... That means, if I did indeed fail to take some class this spring, I would have to wait until next spring to take it...   A whole extra year, I would had to spend at Rutgers, when every cent of my financial aid expires after this semester and London is calling my name...

I felt like shooting myself... I then proceeded to cry for two hours and die a little bit on the inside.  And then I got angry.  I called three people to vent and promise that I would burn Rutgers down to the ground tomorrow.  Then I actually started to think.  I made a list of all the potential classes that could fulfill that supposedly missed requirement.  I made a list of all the professors that I would have to email to beg them to let me in their class more than halfway through the semester so I could graduate, and how I would have to convince them of the misunderstanding that my advisor and I had last summer that led to this... I then proceeded to cry for another hour and went to sleep because there was nothing that I could do at 12:30 AM that would remedy the situation and wouldn't further upset me.

I waited until my advisor emailed me again the next morning... that meant he was in his office.  I bathed, got dressed, made a to-do-list and drove down to the Food Science building to confront him.

So the problem was, the computer wasn't recognizing my classes because I was on the old track and there were a whole new set of requirements for the next graduating class after me.  In fact

This has been happening to me since I was a sophomore, this whole, not recognizing of my classes.  I've had to get prerequisite override forms for classes that I know I had taken the prereqs for... it's quite annoying.  This has been giving me panic attacks for the past three years, resulting in the sending of long desperate emails to advisors and professors...  It's been driving me crazy!

I won't let Rutgers get it in, so it's like a sexually frustrated boy... he can't screw you, so he just messes with your head.

So thanks Rutgers, for giving me puffy eyes and a mild heart attack for no reason...

Eagerly awaiting graduation,

~LondonBoundGirl

Self-Reflection: On being Desired...

As a woman, there was one message that was constantly fed to me: you must be desired. Whether it was my brother, half jokingly yet with the utmost seriousness uttering to my little sister when he was hungry that she must be une femme capable: a capable wife. He meant that she must know how to cook a proper meal for her husband (and should thus practice on him). Whether it was my one friend (who had her share of problems, so her advice was rarely taken seriously) telling me that before I could get that boyfriend I wanted, I must “look the part”. Whether it was my mother angering me by encouraging me to rale sur corps ou, literally translating to “pull on your body”… the actual translation being more akin to ‘take care of yourself more’, ‘pull yourself together’, ‘fix yourself up’.

They were all telling me that there were certain identifiable qualities that would make me more desirable. What was most significant was that in most cases, these were qualities that I did not have: the ability to cook, the small waist that would make me ‘look that part’ of a proper girlfriend, or natural beauty, so I had to put in work and rale sur corps mwe to compensate. Therefore, the conclusion that I had come to draw was that, to my chagrin, I was undesirable.

My family was never one of kind words or affection. I never quite understood where my desire to have warmth and approval came from, because the environment I grew up in discouraged such sentiments. They were mean, and would tell a joke at your expense, even if it offended you. They were not easily moved to tears as I was, which was the most frustrating thing because nobody took my tears seriously. They did not realize that when I cried, I was just feeling strongly about something, I wasn’t necessarily sad. But, God! , they were my family, the only one I had been given. And I had to deal with as they were.

When my family decided to intervene in my favor, to mold me to become more desirable, it was incredibly emotional and frustrating experience. The intervention usually entailed a stream of constant criticism and comparison to my “better” peers. It was always, once again, a venture to fix me, as if I was something broken. What they never realized, and what I had the most difficulty in trying to articulate to them was that I didn’t just want the criticism.

It’s not as if I didn’t appreciate their intentions, but in the end, it always felt like there was nothing good about me. My obstinacy to their criticism was taken as a confirmation of some of my worst qualities, rather than the lashing out of an already insecure girl that felt as if she was being attacked. As miserable as I was and as horrible as I already felt about myself without the help of my family, I needed to know that I was a good person and that I was capable of being loved and desired without having to change a damn thing. In essence, it always sounded like they were insisting that I stop being myself. That would solve all my problems. I was so incredibly flawed that the only solution was to cease being me, slash and burn your personality, your looks, and your quirks and start over new because obviously something had made an unfixable mistake on you.

Here’s what I learned about myself from them: I was sloppy. I looked mean all the time. I can’t cook. I can’t really get along with people. I was way too overweight. I had a bad temperament. I was not wife material. I had a poor sense of fashion. I couldn’t be trusted to dress myself. I didn’t dance right. I had a poor sense of humor. I did not look good with my natural hair out. I was hardheaded. I was ungrateful. I took criticism poorly. And I believed every word, despite how much I fought.

However, when I became extremely insecure and regarded myself as unattractive and undesirable, they had the audacity to get mad at me!

It simply amazes me the two-facedness of this society. On the one hand, we spend our whole lives being fed imagery of what is considered desirable and beautiful through the most celebrated people of Hollywood, supermodel sized mannequins, magazines, television and the most powerful tool of deception: the Barbie. Through the constant bombardment of imagery laced with sexuality, little girls are trained to think that this is what those little boys want. Little boys are trained that this is what they should want.

Well, I held that Barbie (rather Teresa, I like her Latin flare) and learned that this was desirable, this was beautiful and guess what? This was everything I was not. Even if I did trim up, I would still never have that slightly tanned but still very fair skin, long platinum blond hair, or wide doe-like blue eyes. And my booty was far too big for Ken’s liking.

When that little girl doesn’t fit that mold and develops self-image problems and low self-esteem, why is it exclusively her problem? Where did I learn that everything I am was not desirable? From whom did I get these messages? Unless there is something terribly wrong with them, most people do not naturally cultivate self-hatred. So if it didn’t come from me, if I didn’t cause it, why was it my sole duty to fix it? “Oh, you should have more confidence,” people told me without showing me how. Oh [Insert Appropriate Fashion Magazine Title Here], you showed me what Jennifer Aniston and Halle Berry were wearing and told me why I should wear it too and and even where to get it… why can’t you tell me where to pick up that confidence you shattered when you said I had an unflattering muffin top?

An epidemic can end, but the cure always comes from the cause… You can be infected with the same bug that makes you sick, just a different strain that makes you better...

So what strain will cure this self-esteem epidemic that I fell into?

I'm tired of waiting and I'm tired of blaming. I can try. I will start my cure here. I will start my therapy here. I used to say, 'if only I were beautiful...'. It was a favorite phrase of mine. I will now say, 'I am beautiful, if only the world could see'.

Spread the cure. Let her know she's special and worth loving just the way she is, whoever she is.

- Solemnly Yours,

LondonBoundGirl

Dealing with Obsession

So, I'm a bit obsessed with this boy... it's become a problem... I talk about him all the time, I even DREAM about him.

The fact that we're friends just makes it worse... I refer to him as my husband to everyone and confess my intense and undying love for him every opprotunity that I get... It's become a problem and everyone who knows me know this.  It's bad when I'm sober... It's a hundred times worse when I'm drunk.

So I need to deal with this obsession and I thought of taking a pledge.  I've composed and sent the following message to all my friends... my obsessive crush is referred to as SB:

"First and foremost, if this gets to SB, I will hunt you down and kill you all...

I, Ima G, being of sound mind (kinda) and body, do solemnly swear to not mention SB is a sexual, romantic, or obsessive way... I will no longer send sexually explicit, anonymous gifts or honesty box messages on facebook and deny that I ever sent them...

I will not say "I'd hit that", "I'd wax that", or refer to SB (or any other gentleman for that matter) as my husband, soul mate, lover, baby's daddy, or back breaker... ever again...

If the undersigned does not honor this pledge, permission is granted to "bitch slap" some sense into her.

This contract is legally binding until May 21, 2009... Graduation Day... hopefully, with your support and Prayers, I will beat this obsession...

Signed

Ima G"

Unfortunately, I have not exaggerated any of my actions... I reiterate that it HAS BECOME A SERIOUS PROBLEM... I can't function without thinking of him, mentioning him and obsessing over him.  It's quite middle school of me... I'm 21 years old, dammit!!

It sounds like a joke (in fact I cracked myself up by reading it out loud... I've come to realize how insane I am)... but I WILL DO IT!!!  If I don't speak about him, then that means I'm not thinking about him because I always say what I think.

Pray for me!!!

Signed,

Your friendly neighborhood

LondonBoundGirl :-)

I GOT IN!!!!!

As of January 9, 2009, I was offered a spot in the Biomedical Engineering program of Queen Mary College...

It took nearly a month for my acceptance to get here, but get here it did and I cannot be more excited.  Today, I officially started my diet regiment... tomorrow, I hit the gym.  I want to lose twenty pounds for London, so that I can be the hot foreign chick... yes, shallow, but true, lol.

My mother doesn't want me to go.  I haven't told my father yet, but I suspect he'll have a similar response.  She keeps telling me to think about it... to seriously think about it... if only she knew that I could think of nothing else since last August... I've always wanted to go to London and I need a break from this life, from my family and everything that I am familiar with.  I cannot remember the last time I was truly happy or content... I've done everything right, EVERYTHING!!!  I'm the responsible one of the my family, I'm the reliable one.  I get good grades, I'm active in my extracurriculars, I'm a good christian and attend my meeting regularly.  Despite all this, I've never felt more empty.  I can't remember one week when I haven't cried myself to sleep.

Moreover, this path that I'm treading, while a good one, was not my own.  Every step has been planned for me, and I hear it time and again, exactly what everybody expects of me: graduate, get a good job, pioneer, get married... How can they all be so sure?  Hell, it's my life and I don't even know if it's what I want, but that's the direction it seems to be headed.... and it makes me feel trapped.

I truly like my life, I do.  I have been blessed infinitely with a family who loves me, a faith that makes sense, a practically free education and a fulfilling college career, but I need something different.  There's more than one way to get to where you wanna go in life, right?  I've done it their way for so long, it's time to do it my way.  The only thing that I can think of is this... go away, get away, live, breathe, laugh and be all on your own, without anyone having to show you how.  I'm tired of being made to feel as if I'm doing something wrong... I've done nothing wrong... It's just different... not what anyone, including myself would have expected, dreamed or wished for me... But if I don't do it now, it will stay with me for years, and I will be stuck on the what ifs, the maybes, and the could of beens... and that would kill me...

So for my sanity, for my sense of adventure, for the anglophile that's always been inside of me, this is for you!!! London, here I come!!!

LondonBoundGirl

Application

Application complete and sent several weeks ago...

They've recieved my application and it's being reviewed...

In a few short weeks I'll know if I'm really a London Bound Girl..

LondonBoundGirl

Roommate Woes...

I think I have a serious problem... I don't think I can live with people I know because it always seems that I end up disliking them for one thing or another.

Last year it was this African girl who I was acquaintances with.  She was incredibly inconsiderate of my feelings and interests, often saying "you sound like a textbook that I really don't wanna read right now".  Not only that, but she would grill me for not cleaning the bathroom when it was my week to do it without being reminded.  According to her, I had not "grown up" and I was not a woman because I didn't clean as dutifully as I should have.... nice huh?  But me, I don't like conflict so I avoided her as often as I could, and unless it really bothered me, would be very nonchalant about the situation.  I had learned long ago that most things are often so petty that they're not worth getting a headache over.  If in the future, a disagreement will mean nothing once everyone's calmed down, then I treat it like it's nothing now and keep it moving.  That's what I did with my old roommate.  Ignored her complaints, brushed her off, and kept it moving.

Now that I'm in the newest dorm on campus with a roommate that I knew better and liked more, I thought it would be better.... wrong!!!!

Maybe I don't have a problem with roommates... maybe the problem is that I can't ever pick good ones!

I dislike roommates... i wonder how married people live with each other?  I guess when you get some sexual gratification out of the relationship, that helps... too bad I don't swing that way.

LondonBoundGirl

Senior Blues

I don't think I can survive senior year...

Class, extracurriculars, a job... I do it all...

I'm just tired... so tired... can't wait to finish my app and go to London next year...

LondonBoundGirl

London Bound Countdown

Hello All....

I've never done this blog thing before, so I thought I would give it a try. I'm a lively, young, educated woman in my last year in college and going on 21 soon... and I have to leave New Jersey.

There is no good reason for me leaving except for the fact that I don't think we mix properly... I've done well enough with what this wonderful state has to offer, but I'm like a bird that's outgrown it's cage and thus I must take flight...

I must go somewhere where I have no family, no friends, no ties, so I can be free to grow and learn, love, laugh and live by my rules alone....

My heart chose London.

A little less than a year from now, I hope to start grad school there... I'm currently in the application process, but I'm very confident in my acceptance...

In a year, I will be spending a year of voluntary isolation in the city of London, the Jewel of the United Kingdom...

So I invite those who have a few moments to spare to share this year of preparation with me... I have much to learn about myself, many walls to build, just as many to take down before I'm mentally ready for that place... and I plan to share it with you all...

Besides, I've young, single and a SENIOR in college (R.U. rah rah!!!)... If for nothing else, read about me make a drunk fool of myself from 21 years old and on (in five weeks baby!!!)

So I'm a London Bound Girl...

Lend me your ears (and hearts) for one year... I'll try not to sing out of key :-)...

LondonBoundGirl