...Rejection...

I wake up in a panic every morning, like the world is crashing around me
A prayer comes hesitantly to my lips and I beg God for the means to survive
I desperately grasp at the shreds of my sanity for security, but it doesn't help
Because there's none there

How is it my fault when I never claimed perfection, or anything at all
I let you inside of all that I was, all that I longed to be
Let you know my shame
Only to be dropped as soon as the going got tough
And just as if I never existed, written out of your life
You seem all the better for it, so I guess I should be happy

And I wonder, will I ever be enough
Or is it that I'm too much?
That I need, want, feel and love too much
I'm too much to take in one swallow,
So you spat me out in favor of something easier to chew
I hope that my aftertaste is strong enough
To haunt your memories
Because my pride won't let me chase when I've been throw away

But my heart won't let me heal and I'm glutton for the pain
So I pick away at the scabs and bleed some more
To try to teach myself a lesson I never learn....

Nobody can fix you



~ LondonFoundGirl

Let There Be

 Light is supposed to be a good thing, but
it illuminates my flaws and makes me all
 too aware of my mortality as I hold my
hand before my face and it glows, blood
 red, veinous, pulsating with each rapid surge of my beating heart
Behind the light I hear voices, just
 beyond, whispering a tune that just escapes
my hearing, jeering me with almost remembered
 lost memories hanging on the edges of my
consciousness

If I reach far enough, I might just catch them,

 but I'm haunted by an unsaid certainty that reminds
me certainly they were forgotten for a reason
 But there is no rhyme or reason, up or down
My thoughts are solid and my body a
 little less so, flowing like a finely
aged Brandy poured into an old bachelor's tumbler

 And I wonder
And I realized it's all in my head
 Another dream

And as I awake to another light peaking from the east,
 I still wonder, throwing back my curtains to bathe
myself in the warmth and purity of light



~ LondonFoundGirl

Turn On Some Music... Just like Music...

My first guitar wasn't hard to name

She's a Squire by Fender

I held her in my hand and felt she was meant to play the blues

Shiny, dark brown mahogany, pretty steel strings

She was a heartbreaker

And all I heard was

"Roxanne, Roxanne, I wanna be your man!"

Like she had already broken some poor man's

       heart before she had ever started playing her first note
She was Roxanne


But this one
       I didn't want to like him
He was a runt, small and insignificant, bought on a whim
       of missing Roxanne,
And disappointment folllowed when he didn't sound like her

An Encore, yellow faced, rich cherry wood body
       vinyl strings that didn't have that Roxanne twang
       and so easily lost their tune

But I picked him up yesterday, when there was no music in my life
Struck him hard and sure
       And without ever tuning him
He sounded perfect, the notes whole and pure

And I wrote my first real song without Roxanne
       and I loved him at last
Seven months past due, Icarus was born


I wrote this about my guitars... One's in America (Roxanne) and one just helped to keep me sane across the Pond here in London (Icarus).  I know they're not really people, but there's just something about an instrument... when you run your hands along it, you can almost feel the care that was taken to make it and hear the music it was meant to bring...   I get used to things and people I love, and when I'm not in the mood to, I don't want to embrace change... as was the case of my second guitar when I realized shortly after I bought it, that it was nothing like my first.  But as always, I learn and relearn this lesson, you can never judge a book by its cover... and I love him now... Icarus... like that silly boy who fell out of the sky... maybe he wasn't so silly.  Maybe he was just misunderstood, maybe he was too caught up in the beauty, intensity, and warmth of the Sun to even feel his wings melting...  Like I misunderstood the beauty of the Music that my second guitar could make, just because it didn't sound like my first...  I finally named him today... Icarus seemed fitting

It may sound a bit insane, talking about my guitars like they're people...  But sometimes, they can keep you company and cheer you up as sure as any person can, if not better... So I guess it's not so crazy when you think about it...  So, thank you for bringing Music to my Life, Icarus...  I'm sorry I judged you too hastily.

In closing, I'd like to share with you some words from the immortal Marvin Gaye, from his song "Turn On Some Music" from his Midnight Love and the Sexual Healing Sessions.  These words actually come from Erik Sermon's 2001 hit "Music" which sampled an outtake of Gaye's track.... These might be the words from an earlier verison of the song as I've found if you google "Turn on Some Music" lyrics, you don't get the same words...  In any case, this verse pretty much sums up how I felt today:


Music is the soul of the man
Music makes a happy day
And music makes the clouds go by baby
Your music keeps my tears inside my eyes
Your music makes me want to sing
Girl, music is a joy to bring
Music is my heart and soul
More precious than gold
Happiness today is just a song away
I love your music baby

-Turn on Some Music



~ LondonFoundGirl

. . . L'infamie

La femme est maudit a aimer trop

Trop fort, trop longtemps
Toujours trop
Et comme un desastre natural
On est toujours coupable de la destruction
Femme fatale par nature

Et maintenant, j’ai t’envie a mon detriment
On ne veux jamais ce qui est mieux pour la santé
Ce n’est pas au hasard qu’on dit l’amour blesse
Et le coeur est traitre…
Mais je m’en fous

Je veux raconter une histoire d’amour de legende
Celebre et infâme
Comme celle d’Adam et Eve
Cleopatre et Cesar
Samson et Delila
Composons-nous la notre
Une romance en peril
Voué a echouer
Un amour dangereux

Je t’attends...

~  LondonFoundGirl

(Sorry if you don't speak French... Just translate online, you'll get the idea, lol...)

Lorsqu'on Vient de Loin

With her broken French and an open heart
And her hesitant voice
The words that escaped in a past life, an ocean away
Fall, so elegantly
Welling, swelling from a hidden place
Too covered in flaws for most to see

And she stands still
Poised on the edge of raw hope
Expectations high, knees weak
And waits with bated breath
Almost forgetting to breathe

Taking a moment, she gets stubborn
Forgets the fear long enough to just...
Jump...
Eyes closed to take that leap of faith

~ LondonFoundGirl

Crazy People need Love, Too...

Never been in love before... 
but if I was, I think it would go a little something like this...
which is why I'm afraid to fall...

- LondonFoundGirl

Crazy Love

My lyrics were
Cryptic melodies that let you know of my dedication, I was committed
So committed that they said I should have been committed
Strapped my arms in a straight jacket and be admitted to the nearest mental hospital
But what you label insanity I call loving hard, fast and deep
   
My love is so deep that you cannot fathom its end 
Eternity multiplied by infinity, wrapped up in a sweet trinity Of mind, body, and soul
I’ll love you with my whole being

Every word, song, breath, blink, stretch, thought, shit and piss, yes
Even when my bowels moved, it’s for you
To make room for you

If you had my love, you’d have no need for immortality
Because there is no end to my affection
And just my kiss would lead to your resurrection
You would be granted life in longing for my love… it’s that good

I want every hollow of my body to be filled with you
Fit your elbows into my curves, your lips into the dip below my throat
Wrap your arms around me and keep me afloat
Your breath across the small of my back, I want you everywhere

Until my…
Our love is like heaven, wrapped in sex, dipped in chocolate, yes, that good

They call it crazy ‘cause baby, they don’t know about my love...
Your touch sends shivers down my spine and ignites all the right flames
Igniting my shame, and I ain’t shamed to admit
All of my dreams of you are wet

Baby, they call it crazy ‘cause they don’t know about my love
Not crazy, more like the new school Romeo and Juliet
When you press your lips upon my own, I’ll cut off your oxygen,
Sweet suffocation
You are the only poison that can make my heart stop

I’ll plunge the knife into my bosom
Baby, it don’t hurt
‘Cause you’re my anesthesia, I need no other sedation

Helios

I think in another life, in another time, I would have been a poet/musician/artist... Even in silence, music pervades my thoughts, invades my heart, and warms my soul. I'm always singing, even if you can't hear it... and my old notebooks are full of drawings, poems, songs and stories...

I don't do it as much as I used to, but I love to write and sing. Now the words only flow when properly inspired... but the music is still there...

I wanted to share a song I wrote.... If you ever remember, ask me to sing it to you with guitar accompaniment... It's about that silly boy Icarus, but from the sun's perspective (hence the title...) Enjoy...

~ LondonBoundGirl

Helios (The Tragedy of Icarus)

It's been a while since you went away
Swept up in the haze of the summers day
You didn't even spare a good-bye
You just spread your wings and took to the sky

Your father warned you, but you couldn't resist the height
Shining so brightly, you couldn't resist my light
You came closer still with every flap of your wings
Arms outstretched to touch forbidden things

But Icarus, why must my heart be your sun?
And my intensity, your demise?
You covered your failure with self-shame
When the blame was always mine in disguise

Try as you might to reach the heavens, I got in the way
So you couldn't stay
Better to spread your wings and away you fly
Than to fall out of the sky...

You hung on only the the edge of your insanity
But you could not resist me in your vanity
You were warned, maybe you had to burn
It seems that the only way some boys learn

The truth you wanted was covered in my sunshiny lies
My gaze is thralling, you couldn't resist my eyes
When we made contact, the rush was so sweet
Even though it burned you, you loved to feel my heat

But Icarus why must my heart be your sun?
And my intensity your demise?
You covered your failure with my shame
And blamed the warmth between my thighs
My passionate cries

Try as you might to reach the heavens, I got in the way
So you couldn't stay
Better to spread your wings and away you fly
Than to fall out of the sky

Oh Icarus, Apollo's chariot was never for mere mortals to claim!
You didn't realize your prize could not be tamed...
You're to blame

Should you ever return
And your wings don't fall apart
Should you withstand my heat
I'll leave the light shining so you can find the way back
to what you seek

Oh Icarus, why must my heart be your sun
And my intensity your demise?
You covered your failure with self shame
Was the blame always mine in disguise?

Try as you might to reach the heavens, I got in the way
So you couldn't stay
Better to spead your wings and away you fly
Than to fall out of the sky