In a few moments of brief (ever so brief) euphoria, I thought that I had somehow found that something, that elusive SOMETHING that I've been searching for. I've tried to give whatever it is I am lacking a name on many an occasion: purpose? focus? ambition? It has been none of that... I think the closest I ever got to describing it was 'passion', but if you know me well, you would know that is something I possess in abundance... Maybe I need a little ambition to focus my passion on a purpose... Who the f**k knows?... For the moment, I'm holding onto 'adventure', but it won't stick. It never does.
Long story short, I'm just about as lost as I was when I came here... But I lied to you (so what? if you read this far, it got your attention).... I think I have learned a few short lessons worth remembering:
- Instead of trying to find what I seek in other people, as I often have the tendency to do, I need to instead rely fully on myself. Others can't fix me... only I can fix me.
- Don't try and force myself where I don't belong. It doesn't work. I need to make my own place in life, and have something to call my own...
- I lack most forms of self-discipline... as this is a lifelong, pre-existing conditions, I'm not sure that will ever change... but I need to at least try a little harder. It might help to with my issue of lack of focus.
- I've learned to accept that fact that it might be time to find a new place to call home and close this chapter in my life called 'London'...
It's been epic, but the honeymoon is over the reality of my inability to stay here without proper employment is looming in front of my face... and I have no experience, no particularly outstanding skills, and no citizenship. Had all three been in my favor, my odds at finding a decent paying job might be a little higher. Despite that, I'm still taking the gamble and looking for one....
All in all, I have a few weeks to sort myself out. I would really like to stay, just for 2-3 more years and see where this takes me, but I get this unshakable feeling that is coming to a close. So no matter how it ends, I need to figure out where I'm going to end up next...
I hate this feeling of floating at 20-something... because it sucks.... I long to feel grounded, settled, and together. and I'm so over the movies, sitcoms and books that romanticize it to be the best times of your life... It's definitely something, but the best is yet to come (I hope)...
Alright, I'm done bitching for the moment...
Yours Truly
LondonFoundGirl
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