Growing Up is Hard to Do

So... my first post for 2010 is in April. I didn't even come close to maintaining my blog... so sue me, I'm only human.

But I've had a recent epiphany, hence the need for a new post...  Besides lacking focus and self-motivation, I've figured out what the biggest road block to taking the next big steps and actually becoming the woman that I want to be in the future (which includes being financially and completely independent from my parents): I don't have a game plan.

I got lucky these past five years... I've just been swinging blindly mostly, but somehow, I've been hitting it out of the park every time... starting with the full scholarship to Rutgers, the good grades, the involvement: I just kinda shrugged my shoulders and figured that I'd do, just to do it, without thinking about it.  I was never forced to, I either acted on a whim or a confidant's suggestion: I just did what I did just to do it...  For the life of me I couldn't give you any other reason than that:

My guidance counselor told me to apply to Rutgers, I went to Douglass College because they gave me a fat(ter) scholarship, my major was the same as that of an older family friend because my Mom had heard that I could get a good job with the major.... Involvement came from my good friend Katrina who encouraged me to build my resume because grades weren't enough... so I did.

Any ambition I had that was remotely unique (meaning so me) was shot down or so riddled with self-doubt that I let my dreams be deferred before they were even truly born.  Linguistics.... French... Medical Technology...  Medical school... Even declaring my Women and Gender Studies minor: I let them all die.  Shame on me...

It doesn't feel like anything for my part was internal until fairly recently...  I regurgitated information necessary to get good grades (really, it ain't that hard).  I never had to think twice or guess because my high school and college were great: they pretty much knew where I was (or should have been) headed and how to get me there...  There's lots of support and guidance when you're younger... I miss that now...  But the potential pitfall is that if you don't want to, you never really have to think for yourself... And I guess I never felt the need to.

Now, in grad school, I'm pretty much out on a limb here, and separated from the people who influenced me et qui m'ont entouré du soin for all these years... So at 22, I'm where I should have been when I was 17: coming into my own with my convictions, beliefs and and goals and deciding for myself the path necessary to ultimately reach said goals...

So my epiphany:

1. I hate food science....  I enjoyed my first three academic years at Rutgers because of Chemistry, sweet, sweet Chemistry, my first and currently only love....  My senior year was purely me half-assing and sponging off of hard workers like Reuben because I did not enjoy the sole focus of the Rutgers Food Science department on Food Product Development, hence the B+'s and lack of A's. ... 
   
   Somehow, a novel, convenient food product with a longer shelf life doesn't seem to put much good into this world and I want to not only enjoy what I'm doing, but actually make a difference while I'm doing it... and while Food Science got me that coveted Bachelors degree, I'll be damned if I EVER work in anything food science related, especially if it has to do with product development, unless it's addressing world hunger and minimizing global food waste. (Kinda already knew this, but hey, I had to let ya'll know as well)
   
2. Biomedical engineering is pretty inconsequential to my existence and where I wanna go...  It was a good run, but I'm not an engineer at heart.
   
3. I love interacting with people
   
4. I love writing
   
5. I love critical thought and coming to my own conclusion and not just factual information
   
6. And I still love most other sciences.... so I think I'm ultimately headed for something new, hybrid and totally interdisciplinary...  I don't mind being a trailblazer... if you don't fit into the molds provided, who says you can't cast your own?
   
7. And I finally have the making of a SOLID plan that will get me back to my first love, Chemistry, mixed with other loves of mine: Medicine and Education...

I'm happy because I have a game plan and the only road block to my success now is motivating myself to follow through...   I'm upset that it took me two and half years that I could have been spending working towards that plan: I could've declared a major that I loved and pursued a relevant Masters or Interim Job....   That's 10% of my life wasted!  But there's no need for me to dwell in the past, I can only go forward from here...

Now, I can stop being jealous of all my friends who seem to have their lives together and are well on their way to becoming the people they want to be... because in about six months, I'll be one of them.  Failure is not an option.... It was never was and now I will ensure that it never will be.

Growing up is hard to do, but when you've figure it out, even if just a little bit, it feels good...



Yours Truly
London Found Girl